I keep meaning to sit down and write out film reviews of the movies I see (being the film buff that I am), but who would have guessed that the movie that would actually force me to sit down at a keyboard and type away would be Max Payne. Let me try to be as clear as possible, and please forgive me if I lead you astray….but this is quite possibly one of the worst films I have ever seen and I still cry myself to sleep at night to get the memory of it out of my head.

It starts off normal enough (cue hero in distress, or in this case Mark Wahlberg (whose career has careened downhill after peaking in The Departed) lifeless in a river) and then the cliche flashback: “One week earlier”. First off, I have never played Max Payne so in no way does this review intend to compare it to the video game by Rockstar. I do however, intend to compare it to every other boring, over budgeted “blockbuster” that has ever entered into a theater (Waterworld, Batman and Robin, Catwoman). The plot starts out curiously enough, with Mr. Payne being introduced as a boring, somber detective who’s hell-bent on finding the people who murdered his wife and child a few years back. We get a first taste of what Max Payne can do when he goes down into a gritty subway and beats up three junkies (way to go Max, even I could beat up three junkies…well, if they were the strung out, rail thin kind of junkies, but I digress). The point of this scene was to show that these junkies were on a weird kind of drug that comes in a vial and is ingested by drinking. Being the experimenter that I once was in my earlier years, I still can’t understand why anyone would take a hallucinogen that would make you see ginormous winged-creatures that ultimately kill you (which is what the substance in the vial does), but then again I am not a junkie. Once again, I digress…

We eventually are taken to some seedy party with a bunch of rejects from Hell’s Angels who are partaking in the drug and having a gay ol’ time. Here we are introduced to the only redeeming part of the film…Natasha (played by Olga Kurylenko). This woman is just plain gorgeous. I am a straight woman, but this lady is beautiful and when you are watching a movie that makes you want to shove needles in your eyes, then yes…you will take refuge in beauty. This is Natasha. Soon enough Natasha’s sister Mona comes into the scene (a completely miscast role played by the normally enjoyable Mila Kunis), a fight ensues, blah blah blah.

Let me save you the $12 bucks (I live in Manhattan, yes, it’s $12!). Max and Mona team up to solve the mystery of who killed his family and eventually her sister, we are introduced to various characters played by an assortment of musicians that desperately want to be an actors (ie. Ludacris, Nelly Furtado…you are NOT actors!), the script would have had more success had it been written by a 12 year-old, the director (John Moore) apparently forgot that the job of a director was to actually direct (I mean, really….what is up with all the slow-motion?! The movie was moving slow enough on it’s own and then you drag out the scenes even longer!).

Don’t wait for this to hit DVD, On Demand or the 99 cent bin at your local video (or rather Blue Ray DVD) store….this film…I can say with the utmost conviction, should have never been made.

Author’s Note: I was later informed that the slow motion in the film is a reference to the video game, every time Max Payne was about to fight someone, he would see things in slow motion so that he could dodge bullets, fists, etc. Does this change my opinion of the film? Not in the least. FAIL.